Blaming Others To Justify Your Own Bad Behavior

How many times have you heard someone who said something that is mean, vindictive and hurtful, or committed a violent and/or destructive act ,  justify it by saying the recipient had 'made' the perpetrator mad? 

That's an example of using blame to excuse your own bad behavior.
Unfortunately, blame is like anger in that it dulls one sense of empathy. It allows a person to act in a hurtful way to another human being. It isn't the act itself, but it often clears the road. This is a small, but important point. Ordinary humans have inhibitions that serve as a buffer against what we know is bad behavior. Blame is not the act itself, but it either erodes or outright removes these inhibitions, often both . It develops a thought pattern that allows the person's emotions to override his/her self-control in order to achieve an often selfish end -- including sustaining dysfunctional patterns.
While this may seem like an overly harsh statement, also realize the kind of mindset that so quickly adopts blame as a defensive posture for emotional/ego protection is exactly the  same one that will put you in front of, otherwise avoidable, physical danger.

When I teach classes, one of the things I ask the attendees to do in their introductions is to talk about one item on their "Bucket List".

If you're not familiar with the term, a "Bucket List" is a list of things you do before you "kick the bucket."  It was popularized by a movie by the same name a few years ago.  I tell students that by knowing the important things in other folks personal lives (like their "Bucket List" item) they can better build rapport with them.

I'm always amazed at some of the statements.  Most want to travel.  Some want to pilot or jump out of planes.  Some want to see their kids grow up and go to college.  Others want something as simple as retiring. Regardless of what it is, for the person who has the item on the list, it's really important and a nice topic for conversation.  It's also a nice goal to shoot for.  On a personal level, it can give you something special to look forward to.

Have you ever thought about your own "Bucket List" items?

The Most Interesting Man in the World

One of my favorite commercials is the one for Dos Equis Beer involving The Most Interesting Man in the World.  This fictional character seems to be involved in nearly everything and is described with such statements as His mother has a tattoo that says "Son". He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it's Dos Equis.

This past week I spoke to an old friend who is looking for a job. He actually made the statement, "I'm not sure I have anything to offer". I told him to leverage his personal strengths to compete for an open position.  In my opinions, more people suffer a lack of self-esteem than are cocky and arrogant.

All of us have unique strengths and abilities.  Those are tied into our life experiences.  It's these experiences that define who we are.  While we don't all have the same whirlwind lifestyle of The Most Interesting Man in the World, certainly we've done some interesting things.  More importantly, if we've ever overcome adversity, that alone is worth leveraging as we work to position our experiences.

What have you overcome?  Divorce?  Health issues?  Deaths of friends or family members? Financial catastrophe?   If you've gone through these valleys and safely emerged on the other side, you're a survivor with a story to tell.  Those intangible things you've learned such as patience, perseverance, compassion, or whatever makes you someone who can get things done.  It makes you indispensible in some way.  It also makes you interesting.

This week, do a self-inventory of what you've done in your lifetime.  List highs and lows, accomplishments and failures.  Each of these are the building blocks that define us.  Then think of ways to take the lessons and traits learned and apply them to whatever you're wrestling with now.

All of us have something to offer but don't expect people to go out of their way to discover it.  You have to identify it and promote it.  Even The Most Interesting Man in the World needs to let someone know of his accomplishments.  What makes you any less interesting than him?

Recently, folks in the United States flooded each other with questions like "what were you doing on 9/11?"  Those of us who are old enough to remember that day can also remember the sights, sounds, smells, reactions, and feelings of that day.  We can recount nearly everything we experienced in those moments and it brings back the hopeless, vulnerable, and sad feelings we all experienced that day.  In a sense, they have become part of what anchors that day in our memory.

Most people, including myself, all have certain "anchors" we reflect on.  They're often about a significant day or event we've experienced and when we think about it, it often elicits certain feelings.

One of my anchors was the day, many years ago, when my boss told me he needed me to be the "slide monkey" (that's the guy who pushes the enter button on a laptop to move the PowerPoint slides forward) while he briefed our Plan.  I had helped create and facilitate this plan and when told all I was to do in the brief was be the "slide monkey" it really hurt.  I hung on to that memory for a long time, and even now I am nauseated when asked to be the "slide monkey" during one of our briefs.

Anchors don't always have to be negative though.  I often think back of times when things went really well and savor the feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment.  Just like the smell of a turkey in the oven reminds you of family gatherings at Thanksgiving (and hopefully some good memories!), positive anchors can take you from a bad mood to a good one.

What are the anchors you're focusing on?  Do you find yourself replaying every hurtful things ever done to you or are you focusing on some of your greatest moments?  What you saturate your mind with will play out in your outward attitude and interactions with others.  Negative people project the same negative feelings that are anchored to events.  The phrase "expect the worst and you won't be disappointed" is a classic example.  On the other hand, being optimistic is nothing more than remembering successes from the past and searching out the same kind of success for the future.

Think about all the POSITIVE anchors in your life.  In spite of what others say, look at each challenge as an opportunity to add yet another POSITIVE anchor into your memory bank.  It's a much happier way to live your life, and people can't help but want to be around those who project optimism.  It's nothing but a simple choice, but only you can make it.

I have always been someone who avoids Pan handlers. I always wonder if they are scamming me. I have to admit this is not one of my few redeeming characteristics. Today I read an article about Vicki Julian's forthcoming work, Simple Things to Make This World a Better Place. As a Minister, Vicki uses biblical reference for each of her examples. She suggest for the needy who ask You for money (Matthew 5:42). Buy fast food certificates and have them handy to give to those who are hungry. Buy bus tokens or discount store gift certificates to give. Keep numbers and addresses of agencies that can help and give it on a card to the person if they are unaware of where to go for assistance.

I am very impressed with this approach and wanted to share it.

God bless our Firefighters.

Too often we take for granted the hard work and training that our full time and volunteer firefighters do. It is with much gratitude that I express thanks them for the fast and professional reaction to the fires all over Texas. It is an honor to have them as a valued part of our community, working industriously to keep us all safe. God bless you all!

Please remember those folks in the Bastrop area. So far, more than 400 homes have burned and more than 5,000 people have been evacuated. More than 25,000 acres have burned.

Close to home for me is Fort Hood. Our Firefighters have been stretched to their limits. Working night and day keeping the wildfires at bay. On Monday, the Jack Mountain wildfire was 75% contained, when the wind picked up the fire regained strength burning an additional 700 acres. In all, it's burned an estimated 3,700 acres.

More than 1 million acres statewide have been destroyed since April 6.

"Your Word Is Your Bond"

This statement was one, I heard all the time, as I was growing up.  I was taught that your word is your bond. This statement meant to always honor your word. My Grandfather would always tell me this. Now that I'm older and have realized life; I understand what my dear old granddad was trying to instill in me. I'm trying to teach my children the same thing.

Granddad told me if we tell someone something, then we should do whatever it was, that we told the person we, would do. Your word is your bond means exactly that you do what you say. I've strived to treat others the way I wanted to be treated, I have always tried to be honest and tell a person exactly what I meant.

If you tell someone you're going to do something, then honor the promise you made to the person. You don't want to build your life on a mountain of lies. I for one, cannot stand a liar, so don't make me any promises you can't or won't keep. Honesty and truth comes from your ability to honor your word in life.

If you live your life with honesty and humility, people will honor you and respect you, because they know they can trust you and your word; regardless of any other circumstances. If you continue to make constant promises and never keep them, then your word won't be worth anything to anyone.

One of the most important messages I want to give my children is; nobody is perfect, and it’s okay to fail. It’s not okay to not use those life lessons to make it better in the future. Chalk it up to life experience and do better. Be honest about your mistakes, and be honest to those around you.

Try to always live your life where anyone can give you a good recommendation as an honest and trustworthy person. You don't want your life shaded by darkness because of not being able to tell the truth, and live accordingly. My Grandfather is dead and gone, but he made me realize that my word is my bond, it's a true saying that I try and live my life by each and every day.