Blaming Others To Justify Your Own Bad Behavior

How many times have you heard someone who said something that is mean, vindictive and hurtful, or committed a violent and/or destructive act ,  justify it by saying the recipient had 'made' the perpetrator mad? 

That's an example of using blame to excuse your own bad behavior.
Unfortunately, blame is like anger in that it dulls one sense of empathy. It allows a person to act in a hurtful way to another human being. It isn't the act itself, but it often clears the road. This is a small, but important point. Ordinary humans have inhibitions that serve as a buffer against what we know is bad behavior. Blame is not the act itself, but it either erodes or outright removes these inhibitions, often both . It develops a thought pattern that allows the person's emotions to override his/her self-control in order to achieve an often selfish end -- including sustaining dysfunctional patterns.
While this may seem like an overly harsh statement, also realize the kind of mindset that so quickly adopts blame as a defensive posture for emotional/ego protection is exactly the  same one that will put you in front of, otherwise avoidable, physical danger.

When I teach classes, one of the things I ask the attendees to do in their introductions is to talk about one item on their "Bucket List".

If you're not familiar with the term, a "Bucket List" is a list of things you do before you "kick the bucket."  It was popularized by a movie by the same name a few years ago.  I tell students that by knowing the important things in other folks personal lives (like their "Bucket List" item) they can better build rapport with them.

I'm always amazed at some of the statements.  Most want to travel.  Some want to pilot or jump out of planes.  Some want to see their kids grow up and go to college.  Others want something as simple as retiring. Regardless of what it is, for the person who has the item on the list, it's really important and a nice topic for conversation.  It's also a nice goal to shoot for.  On a personal level, it can give you something special to look forward to.

Have you ever thought about your own "Bucket List" items?

The Most Interesting Man in the World

One of my favorite commercials is the one for Dos Equis Beer involving The Most Interesting Man in the World.  This fictional character seems to be involved in nearly everything and is described with such statements as His mother has a tattoo that says "Son". He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it's Dos Equis.

This past week I spoke to an old friend who is looking for a job. He actually made the statement, "I'm not sure I have anything to offer". I told him to leverage his personal strengths to compete for an open position.  In my opinions, more people suffer a lack of self-esteem than are cocky and arrogant.

All of us have unique strengths and abilities.  Those are tied into our life experiences.  It's these experiences that define who we are.  While we don't all have the same whirlwind lifestyle of The Most Interesting Man in the World, certainly we've done some interesting things.  More importantly, if we've ever overcome adversity, that alone is worth leveraging as we work to position our experiences.

What have you overcome?  Divorce?  Health issues?  Deaths of friends or family members? Financial catastrophe?   If you've gone through these valleys and safely emerged on the other side, you're a survivor with a story to tell.  Those intangible things you've learned such as patience, perseverance, compassion, or whatever makes you someone who can get things done.  It makes you indispensible in some way.  It also makes you interesting.

This week, do a self-inventory of what you've done in your lifetime.  List highs and lows, accomplishments and failures.  Each of these are the building blocks that define us.  Then think of ways to take the lessons and traits learned and apply them to whatever you're wrestling with now.

All of us have something to offer but don't expect people to go out of their way to discover it.  You have to identify it and promote it.  Even The Most Interesting Man in the World needs to let someone know of his accomplishments.  What makes you any less interesting than him?